


ad infinitum

by aqd



Series: Laviyuu Week 2018 [7]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Character Death, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, LaviYuu, Laviyuu Week 2018, Love, M/M, One Shot, lavi is grieving and kanda is doing his best, sappy young men in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-16 18:28:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14170923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aqd/pseuds/aqd
Summary: “Can I… do something?” Kanda asks into the silence and Lavi turns around. He hides his face in the crook of Kanda’s neck, red hair tickling his chin, and his warm breath caresses over Kanda’s skin.“You’re doing already more than enough,” he answers silently and kisses him, short and heartfelt.





	ad infinitum

**Author's Note:**

> Seventh and last day of the Laviyuu Week: Rainbow | Colourful, Diverse, Hope, Surprise, Solace  
> laviyuu-week.tumblr.com
> 
> trigger warnings: character death, grief/mourning, mild sexual content
> 
> Warning: sappy young men ahead

It’s one of those shit days.  
  
The day already starts heading south in the morning. The alarm doesn’t wake him up and when Kanda finally opens his eyes the first thing he sees is a red splash of hair and the line of a pretty neck, until his eyes set on the clock. Lavi gets nearly a heart attack, when Kanda jumps up and stumbles over the blanket.  
  
“What’s wrong?” he asks groggily and Kanda is already half in his pants. Lavi has a look at the clock and grimaces. “Oh,” he says.  
  
Kanda gets dressed in record time and brushes his teeth even quicker and then he’s out of the door, not without a hectic goodbye kiss and Lavi’s hand on the back of his head, and runs the whole way to work. He still comes too late.  
  
He gets a major bollocking from his boss, even though it’s the first time in two years that he comes too late. The man takes his anger out on Kanda, who grinds his teeth to prevent himself from shouting back. Instead he does his work and after a few hours he notices that he forgot his wallet and his phone in the hurry. That means no lunch for him and that makes him even angrier. He’s hungry and pissed off and in the end he has to work overtime, because his boss doesn’t want to let him go home on time.  
  
And the day still manages to get even shittier, even after quitting time. It’s pouring down and Kanda is soaked before he made it to the end of the street. He has to walk thirty minutes through the rain, getting angrier and angrier, mainly because Lavi’s probably worried and already waiting for him, since they planned a nice dinner this evening. Kanda isn’t very romantic, but he does know that Lavi enjoys going out. Money is scarce at the moment and so they spend their evenings at home. Cooking together and maybe watching a movie afterwards, even though they often don’t make it to the movie. Instead they lie on the bed and Kanda feels ridiculously confident, because he knows exactly what to do to let Lavi melt.  
  
Instead of kissing Lavi’s neck and listening to his quickening breath, he walks through rain and darkness, starving and pissed off. At least he has his keys with him. The elevator is broken, because apparently everything goes wrong today, and so he walks five flights of stairs, until he’s finally in front of their door. He searches for his keys and unlocks the door, hoping for a red shock of hair, but Lavi is not to be seen and Kanda closes the door a little too loud. He’s probably upset or even hurt, because he comes so much too late. It makes him even more exasperated, though Lavi is the last person he wants to take his anger out on.  
  
He slips out of his soaking wet coat and shoes, before he walks into the bathroom to get a towel. The light in the bedroom is on and by now Kanda is certain that Lavi is sore.  
  
“Lavi?” he says and even refrains from using the usual pet name. He takes the tie out of his hair and starts to towel it. “I forget my phone and had to work overtime. And I didn’t remember your new phone number. I’m sorry,” he adds, because Lavi is still not to be seen. “Are you angry?” Hunger is not the only reason his stomach hurts. They had quite a lot of arguments in the last months and sometimes Kanda is terrified that one of them could be the last one. It got better since he started to work harder for the relationship. More interests in Lavi’s hobbies, less working overtime, more evenings just the two of them. The fear is still there, because they once have been separated for a few weeks after the worst of their arguments about four years ago and Kanda has hardly been this miserable in his life ever before or after.  
  
He hears – finally! – movement and unbuttons his wet shirt, because he wants to embrace Lavi without getting him wet.  
  
“No, I’m not,” he answers and Kanda’s heart sinks. He drops the towel and pushes the door to the bedroom open, before he falters.  
  
“Fuck,” he breathes and forgets his wet clothes. Lavi sits on the edge on his bed, eye reddened and cheeks blotchy. He’s still crying, big round tears crawling over his skin. Kanda cups his cheek and sits down next to him. “Fuck, I’m sorry.”  
  
Lavi shakes his head and tries to say something, but the words won’t come out. Kanda has no idea what’s going on, but that doesn’t stop him from taking Lavi into his arms. That’s enough to let him crumble even more and then he cries against the crook of Kanda’s neck. Not just some tears, full-blown sobbing. Kanda can’t remember that he ever saw him like this and he’s thoroughly freaked out, because something has happened, something terrible.  
  
“I tried to call you.” Lavi’s breath goes to quick and for a moment Kanda thinks he has to get a paper bag, but then Lavi speaks on. “Yuu,” he sobs and his face twists in misery. “Gramps is dead.”  
  
Kanda stares at him and for the first time in years he’s speechless. “What?” he grits out. “He-  _what_?”  
  
Lavi takes a deep breath. “He had a stroke and he- he-“ His voice is lost and so is Kanda.

 

Kanda only leaves him alone to change into dry clothes, because the bed is getting wet, and then he’s back. They lie down and Lavi cries and cries and cries.  
  
He can barely talk and it takes forever until Kanda finally knows what happened.  
  
Lavi was at home, studying and writing an essay, when the neighbour of his great-great-uncle called and told him the old man was brought into the hospital. Lavi immediately hit the road and was in the hospital only twenty minutes later, but it was already too late. The old man had died and with him Lavi’s whole family, because it had always been only the two of them.

 

“There’s still so much to do,” Lavi whispers and wipes his cheeks. “I already called a mortician, but it’s… it’s so much to do.” He sits on the edge of the bed and Kanda is right next to him, an arm around him, because he doesn’t know what to say. And so he just holds him, rubs his back and intertwines their fingers.  
  
“I… I have to take care of his apartment. And his belongings.” Lavi takes a handkerchief and blows his nose. “And all the other stuff.”  
  
“But not today,” Kanda says and pulls him close. Lavi looks at him, eye wide and so green.  
  
“Okay,” he whispers.

 

Kanda doesn’t sleep the whole night, because Lavi doesn’t. Thankfully he doesn’t seem to expect him to say something meaningful, because words have never been Kanda’s friends. Instead he makes sure Lavi drinks a few glasses of water, there are enough handkerchiefs and takes him into his arms.  
  
Lavi feels smaller than usual and colder. He switches between not saying anything for hours and suddenly mumbling about all the things they still have to do. He wanders through their apartment, packs stuff from one place to the other, and Kanda lets him, because he clearly needs to do something. He sits on the bed and listens to his restless steps, until Lavi nearly falls asleep sitting on the floor and going through a few books the old man lend him. That’s the moment Kanda gets up and lays a hand on his shoulder.  
  
“Come to bed,” he says. Lavi jumps and looks at him with a wide reddened eye.  
  
“But it’s so much to do,” he says and his grip tightens around the book in his hands.  
  
“I know,” Kanda replies, voice unusual soft, and cups his cheek. “Come to bed.”  
  
Lavi bites his lip and casts down his eye. “I won’t be able to sleep.”  
  
“Let’s try, okay?” Kanda takes his hand and Lavi follows him with silent steps. He raises the blanket and waits until Lavi crawled under it and then he lies down next to him. He wraps his arms around him and after some shuffling and moving Lavi hides his face in the crook of Kanda’s neck. He feels his wet lashes fluttering over his skin and starts to rub his back. Slowly, always the same way up and down, from the back of his head to the small of his back. Lavi curls his fingers into his shirt and sighs silently.  
  
It takes him forever to fall asleep, hands restlessly playing with Kanda’s shirt and his hair. Kanda keeps rubbing his back and after something, which felt like an eternity Lavi’s body finally relaxes in his arms, lips slightly parted and warm breath crawling over Kanda’s skin.  
  
Kanda doesn’t sleep. He thinks about all the stuff they have to do, to organize, to work out. When his brother died two years ago Kanda hadn’t to do anything and he didn’t try. He kept running and probably wouldn’t have gone to the funeral hadn’t Lavi taken him by the hand and practically forced him to.  _Yuu, you’re going to regret it, if you don’t go_. Thankfully his oldest brother and his wife took over and so his father wasn’t all alone with everything they had to take care of. But this time running isn’t an option, because it’s Lavi, who already went through the whole day alone. His sleep is fitful, face all scrunched up and eye moving under the lid. Then Kanda has to think about the old man, who was stern and serious, but always had a friendly ear for Lavi, whether he had problems at university or work. Always listening and giving advice. Kanda can’t believe he’s really gone.  
  
Lavi wakes up after one and a half hour and for a moment everything is okay, but then it’s not. He squeezes his eye shut and Kanda brushes the hair out of his face, kisses his wet cheeks and his neck, rubs his back, plays with his hair. Lavi cries silently in his arms and only gets up to go to the bathroom, then he’s back next to him.  
  
“Can you spoon me?” he breathes and Kanda does immediately.  
  
“I’ll do anything you want,” he answers and Lavi sighs, lying thin and effete in his arms. He doesn’t fall back asleep, but his muscles feel a little less strained. Kanda keeps kissing his nape and shoulder blades, hooking a finger under his shirt.  
  
They give up at five o’clock and Kanda takes Lavi with him under the shower, washes his back and hair. Lavi leans against him, eye closed and face blotchy and tired. Afterwards he more or less forces him to eat something, realizing that both of them barely ate the previous day. Kanda devours three bowls of miso soup, feeling less dizzy and weak afterwards, while Lavi barely gets down a half slice of bread with peach jam. He drinks a cup of coffee in small sips and his eye wanders to the clock at the wall. “You have to go to work in an hour,” he says startled and sits up straight. “Do you wanna have soup for lunch?” He wants to get up, but Kanda pulls him back down.  
  
“I’ll call in sick,” he says and Lavi looks at him.  
  
“Yes?” he asks, relief barely hidden. Kanda nods and takes his cold hand. They fall silent and sit for another half an hour at the table, until Lavi jumps up, because he has to call people, friends of the old man. Kanda gets up, too, and catches him in the door, insisting that he’ll do it instead. Thankfully Lavi gives in quickly and goes back to bed, not to sleep, but to hide from the world under the blanket, and then Kanda sits behind the closed door of the kitchen and for nearly two hours he makes one uncomfortable call after the other, the only motivation that Lavi won’t have to do it this way. After finishing the last one and listening to tears and shock, he calls the mortician, who offers to come into their apartment.  
  
Lavi’s still under the blanket, when Kanda carefully raises a corner to have a peek. He doesn't sleep like Kanda hoped and so he lies down next to him, kissing up and down his neck and holding him close, until it’s time to get up, because the mortician is going to arrive any moment.  
  
It’s a friendly middle aged woman, dressed all in black, and offering her condolences. They sit down in the kitchen, Kanda on the counter because they don’t have enough chairs, and then they speak about the funeral. Lavi takes it like a champ until they start to talk about the costs. Kanda gets up and his hands dance over his trembling shoulders, whispering promises that they’re going to make it somehow. The old man was heavy with knowledge, but never with money, and Lavi is still in his master program. They barely make ends meet, even though Kanda works fulltime.  
  
The mortician is not only professional but also kind and offers them a deal. A small funeral, economical but not tasteless, and Kanda calls his father, who offers immediately to support them. And so another problem is solved and a wave of new ones show up. Which flowers? What kind of gravestone? The content of the obituary?  
  
Lavi looks at him, eye wet and heavy, and so Kanda makes the decisions and hopes dearly to meet everybody expectations, because he never did this before. The funeral is going to be three days later and it’s still so much to do. The mortician leaves and Kanda digs through their wardrobe in search for his suit, which thankfully still fits. He has a look at the tags in Lavi’s clothes to find out his size and then he calls his father again, who organizes a suit for him. It only takes him a few hours and then he stands in front of their door. Lavi’s back at hiding and so Kanda takes it instead. It’s already evening and Kanda rummages through the kitchen, because they ate again not properly. He’s not really hungry, but they have to eat and so he prepares some homemade ramen. It takes some coaxing until Lavi finally sits up. They eat in bed and it takes some more persuasion for Lavi to finish at least half of the bowl. Kanda devours the rest, all of a sudden starving. Afterwards they stand next to each other in the bathroom and brush their teeth, before going to bed. After some shuffling Kanda is spooning Lavi, who said barely a word since the mortician left and restlessly plays with the seam of Kanda’s sleeve.  
  
“Can I… do something?” Kanda asks into the silence and Lavi turns around. He hides his face in the crook of Kanda’s neck, red hair tickling his chin, and his warm breath caresses over Kanda’s skin.  
  
“You’re doing already more than enough,” he answers silently and raises his head. The kiss is short and heartfelt and then they try to sleep with more success than yesterday, but still not very good.  
  
The next day is tough. They walk to the old man’s apartment and Lavi’s face gives Kanda a lump in his throat. The apartment is as piled as normally, books everywhere. But at the same time it’s so terribly empty. No sound of silent steps, no rustling of paper, no softly spoken words.  
  
Lavi bursts into tears and they just stand for a while in the slim corridor, embracing each other and Lavi cries bitterly against Kanda’s shoulder. He doesn’t know what to say and so he just holds him, even though tears have never been easy to endure for Kanda. After Daisya’s death he wasn’t at home for months, because his father cried and cried and Kanda ran and ran. Lavi has always been better with tears, always lending a strong shoulder to cry on and always finding the right words. Even for Kanda, who didn’t want to hear anything and just spent weeks with running. Now it’s the other way around and Lavi is heartbroken and Kanda tries to comfort him, to be strong and supportive.  
  
“You wanna go home?” he asks after a while and Lavi draws back to look at him. He wipes his cheeks and shakes his head and so they start.  
  
Kanda goes through the old man’s wardrobe and looks for clothes to bury him in and Lavi searches for important documents, which have to be somewhere, probably in one of the hundreds of ring binders. He tries very hard not to cry and Kanda can barely endure the sight and so he hurries, until he finally finds the old man favourite shirt and pullover and afterwards plain dark pants. He spreads them out on top of the bed and clears his throat.  
  
“Lavi?”  
  
“Yeah?” He climbs over stacks of papers and peeks into the room.  
  
“Do… do you want to keep his pullover or… or do you want him to wear it?” Kanda asks cautiously and regrets it immediately, because a wave of misery sloshes over Lavi’s face.  
  
“I don’t know,” he whispers. He sits down on the edge of the bed, kneading his hands, and Kanda sits down next to him and puts an arm around him.  
  
After a while they postpone the decision and Kanda helps Lavi searching for the documents, which they finally find after hours in the topmost drawer of the old man’s desk. Insurances, savings books and more. A life of nearly ninety years in a drawer. More things they have to take care of. Kanda puts all of it in his backpack, together with a photo of the old man for the obituary. It’s a nice photo, only a few years old. Lavi and his great-great-uncle together in front of the university, which just accepted him.  
  
Lavi also hands him the pullover the old man liked to wear so much and pulls another one out of the wardrobe for the funeral. He puts it on the bed next to shirt and pants and darts a questioning look at Kanda, who slowly nods. “I’ll bring the clothes later to the mortician, okay?” he asks and Lavi tries to smile at him.  
  
“Okay. Thank you,” he says silently and blows his nose.  
  
“Let’s go home. We take care of the rest tomorrow.” Kanda takes his hand and together they leave the silent apartment.

 

The next few days pass in a haze. Kanda tries to take care of everything, while Lavi has his hands full with the organization of the funeral. The mortician arranges the most, but he’s still busy. Having something to do helps him and he’s less frozen like in the first days, but it’s still tough.  
  
The funeral is awful. Lavi is all smiles, very fake and very stiff, and Kanda buzzes around him, ready to fend everybody off, who lets his smile crumble. He holds Lavi’s hand the whole time and in the end they make it to Froi’s car, before he falls apart and cries the whole way home.  
  
“I can’t believe he’s really gone.” He blows his nose and looks out the window, sleet flying by. “I knew he was old… but he… he can’t be gone.”  
  
Kanda doesn’t know what to say and so he keeps holding his hand.

 

The tides finally turn in the evening and Kanda isn’t surprised, because that’s exactly how it was after Daisya’s death. He wasn’t sad. He was angry. Furious.  
  
Lavi’s not furious, but he’s on edge and keeps snapping at him. Kanda doesn’t get angry, to his own and Lavi’s surprise, since his fuse has always been short. Kanda Yuu doesn’t take without giving out, but not today. He listens to Lavi snapping at him and stays silent, just relieved that the tension finds an outlet.  
  
“Can you please say something?” Lavi hisses at him and fluffs their pillows aggressively. “I feel like I’m talking to a wall.”  
  
“You’re tired and sad,” Kanda replies and sits down cross-legged on the bed. “You know I’m shit with words.”  
  
“No shit,” Lavi replies, frown impressive and eye reddened. “Very helpful, Yuu.”  
  
Kanda inhales and clears his throat. “You know how pissed off I was after Daisya’s-”  
  
“It’s not the same,” Lavi interrupts him and throws the pillows down. “You still have two brothers and a father. I have nobody. Don’t act like it’s the same.”  
  
“You have me.” Kanda tries to speak on, but Lavi rolls his eye and he decides to shut up. Rage, his old friend, wakes slowly up, but stays silent. For now.  
  
“It’s not the same,” Lavi replies, he wants to add something, but then he shakes his head. “You know what, forget it.” He disappears into the bathroom and Kanda listens to him slamming the door shut behind him. He stays another moment on the bed before he gets up and on the treadmill, because the old fear of losing him surfaces. His head is full of  _what if_ s and so Kanda starts to run, because exercise has always helped, even in the darkest times right after his brother’s death. He manages to run for ten minutes until he’s back at thinking, pondering, contemplating. Collecting ideas how to make it a little easier for Lavi, how to give solace, though he knows how hard it is to move on, to let somebody go.  
  
His thoughts stop circling abruptly, when Lavi peeks into the room.  
  
“Yuu?” he croaks, cheeks blotchy. “Yuu, I’m sorry.”  
  
“It’s okay,” Kanda answers quickly and jumps down the treadmill. He hooks a hand behind his neck and Lavi doesn’t seem to mind that he’s sweaty, because he embraces him immediately.  
  
“I’m sorry,” he repeats and curls his cold hands into his shoulders. Kanda shushes him and Lavi falls silent. He wraps his arms around him, pulls him close and hides his face in soft red strands. They stand there for a while, hold one another and listen to the silence of their apartment, until Kanda steps back and takes his hand.  
  
“Shower and then sleeping?” he asks and Lavi follows him into the bathroom.  
  
Kanda turns on the hot water, because Lavi feels so much colder than usual, and does the same he did a few days ago: wash his hair and back, all gentle and innocent. Lavi still has his arms around him, his cheek on Kanda’s shoulder.  
  
“Yuu?” he asks and draws back to look at him. They lock eyes, while Kanda kneads his lower back. “I love you,” Lavi says unusual earnestly and before Kanda can reply anything he kisses him. It’s different than in the last days. It’s urgent and passionate and Kanda is taken by surprise.  
  
“Lavi?” he asks and falls silent, because Lavi pulls him as close as possible and kisses him another time.  
  
“Yuu,” he breathes against his lips and in the end Kanda is relieved, because that’s something he’s good at. Words have never been his friends, but touches have always been. Touches are easy, kisses even easier. He just knows what to do to let Lavi forget the world for a few sweet minutes, to chase thoughts away, to give him a short break of grief and mourning.  
  
They switch to the bedroom and the sheets get wet, but they don’t care. It’s not as sweet as normally. Lavi doesn’t laugh and smile, he’s much more silent.  
  
Kanda takes care of him, makes him feel good, or at least a little better. Lavi is under him, sighs and moans silently, whispers his name, presses his nails into his skin.  
  
The respite isn’t long. Climax comes fast and they go back under the shower. Lavi looks as lost as before and barely sleeps later, just like Kanda.

 

They have to take care of the old man’s apartment and it’s too much for Lavi. They get barely any work done and every evening he looks a little smaller and sadder. Kanda has to go back to work and that makes it even worse, since Lavi spends his days all alone deciding what to keep and what to reluctantly throw away.  
  
Kanda witnesses him crying himself to sleep for three days in a row and that’s enough. In the morning he calls his boss and after some heated discussion he can take all his residual leave. He spends the morning on the telephone and later messages the members of Lavi’s study group, and after a final conversation with the old man’s landlady, everything is arranged.

 

“We- what?” Lavi looks at him in honest surprise.  
  
“Vacation, at the shore,” Kanda answers and throws Lavi’s favourite sweater into the bag. “Only you and me.”  
  
“When?” he asks and takes the sweater out of the bag. “Yuu, we can’t go on vacation. I have to take care of Gramps’ apartment.”  
  
“Tomorrow,” Kanda replies and takes the sweater out of his hand to put it back into the bag. “I talked with the landlady. She doesn’t mind if it takes two weeks longer.”  
  
“Two weeks? No, we can’t.” Lavi wants to reach for the sweater, but Kanda catches his hand and pulls him into his arms.  
  
“Yes, we can and we will,” he answers without skipping a beat. “You look like shit. Only you and me, two weeks. My father lends us his car,” he adds and Lavi stares at him.  
  
“Yuu,” he starts. “I don’t wanna. I want to get over with it.”  
  
“I know,” Kanda replies and hooks his fingers into Lavi’s belt loops to keep him from fleeing. “But you’re dead beat. And you barely make any process, because of it.”  
  
Lavi stares at him, obviously torn between getting over with it and having a well needed break, before he casts his eye down. “The shore?”  
  
Kanda nods. “Yes. It’s cold as fuck, it keeps raining and the vacation home is kinda sleazy, but it’s going to be nice.”  
  
“But I just want to sleep the whole day,” Lavi says and Kanda lets go of him, but he doesn’t step back.  
  
“Then we’ll do that. You need a break and I need one, too.”  
  
Lavi examines him with a frown. “We’re on a budget.”  
  
“It’s not vacation season and it’s cheap,” Kanda says insistently and tucks a strand of hair behind his ear. “Tomorrow, you and me.”  
  
Lavi looks at him for another moment and then his eye wanders to the old man’s sweater, which lies carefully folded on the dresser. “Okay,” he finally says. Kanda hooks a finger under his shirt and kisses his shoulder, before he goes back to packing.

 

The drive isn’t very long, but they have to drive slowly because of snow and ice. Kanda insists on driving and after a short argument Lavi gives in. It doesn’t take long and he falls asleep. It’s a very silent ride. No radio, just the sound of tires on wet ground, the pitter-patter of sleet on the windscreen and Lavi’s soft breathing. The GPS is on mute and Kanda manages to get lost twice, but in the end they finally reach the vacation home with a delay of half an hour. Kanda unbuckles his seatbelt and wakes Lavi up with a kiss on the cheek.  
  
“Oh,” he murmurs tiredly and his cold fingers touch Kanda’s cheek. “Are we already there?”  
  
“Yes. Let’s go inside.” Kanda gets out of the car and while he gets the bags out of the trunk, Lavi examines the little house in front of them.  
  
“It’s cute,” he says and takes one of the bags out of Kanda’s hands. “Not as sleazy as you said.”  
  
They go inside and the first thing they do is turning the heating on, because it’s ice cold. It’s not as dusty as Kanda expected, even after being empty for months. The landlord apparently cleaned before they came.  
  
It’s only a small house. A tiny bedroom, a windowless bathroom and a living room with a kitchen unit. Lavi puts linen on the bed and flops down as soon as he’s finished. He’s dead tired, even after a nearly three hour long nap, and Kanda lets him sleep some more, while he prepares lunch. The trunk is full of canned goods to save money and Kanda doesn’t need long to orientate himself in the tiny kitchen unit. Lavi wakes up by himself as soon as the scent of Kanda’s homemade ramen reaches his nose. They eat in bed and afterwards Lavi lies back down and Kanda joins him. The house slowly warms up and Lavi’s naked feet feel less cold than before. They don’t really sleep and just laze around, all comfy and silent, until Lavi turns around in Kanda’s arms and looks at him.  
  
“You wanna go to the beach?” he asks and Kanda smooths his thumb over his temple.  
  
“Depends on if you want to go,” he replies and Lavi entangles their legs.  
  
“Since when are you so attentive? I want my angry sourpuss back,” Lavi says and Kanda’s heart starts to flutter, because he smiles genuinely for the first time since the old man’s death. A soft “Oh,” escapes his lips when Kanda kisses him, savouring his smile. “Yuu,” Lavi adds silently and Kanda draws back to examine him. He’s pale and the circles under his eyes are too dark, but Kanda still can’t get enough of looking at him. Even after more than seven years.  
  
Kanda kisses him a second time and then he sits up. “Then get dressed and let’s go,” he says and takes Lavi’s hands to drag him onto his feet.  
  
“Oh, what have I done,” Lavi says and there’s a hint of humour, which doesn’t help Kanda’s poor heart to calm down. Lavi slips into his shoes and Kanda grabs the chance to kiss his spine. “Oh.”  
  
He hands him his jacket and only a minute later they’re out in the cold. It’s a walk of twenty minutes to the beach and sleet still comes down in sheets. Lavi tucks Kanda’s hand together with his own in the pocket of his parka and they walk in silence. It’s ice cold and windy and Lavi’s nose looks as cold as Kanda’s feels. A while later they reach the beach and stop to watch the heavy sea. Wet snow is scattered all over the sand and squelches under their feet.  
  
Lavi examines the grey waves and Kanda steps behind him to absorb the most of the cold wind and lays his head on his shoulder. They just stand there for a while, watching the grey in grey and it takes Kanda a few minutes until he realizes that the drops on Lavi’s lashes are not only molten snow. He wraps his arms around him and Lavi leans against him.  
  
“Sorry,” he whispers and takes the handkerchief Kanda hands him. “I just… Gramps always took me to the sea when I was little.” He turns around and embraces Kanda, who pats his back, watching snow and sea. Lavi doesn’t stay long in his arms, he steps back after a minute and wipes his cheeks. “Great, we’re on vacation for the first time in years and all I do is sleeping and wailing. Oh, for fuck’s sake.” He wipes his cheeks and darts an unhappy look at Kanda, who has no idea what to say.  
  
“Well,” he starts and rubs his neck. “At least you’re crying on the beach. That’s better than at home, right?”  
  
Lavi stares at him and for a moment Kanda thinks he’s going to turn around and stomp back to their vacation home, but then he snorts, suddenly laughing and crying at the same time.  
  
“My god, you’re so shitty at this,” he giggles and Kanda is snorting, too, because he’s relieved. He missed his laugh.  
  
“Do you even know how hard I try?” Kanda asks and now Lavi’s really laughing.  
  
“Sorry.” The tears are still running, not only caused by grief but also by laughing and coldness. He wraps his arms around Kanda’s neck and kisses him. “I’m so sorry, Yuu. You’re doing amazing.”  
  
“We both know that’s not true,” Kanda deadpans and Lavi keeps giggling and crying, sobs mixing with laughter.  
  
Lavi’s steps are a little lighter when they go back home, both of them soaked and freezing. The shower is too small for two people, but they still get together into it, warming up and kissing.

 

The next days are an up and down. Lavi comes a little to rest, but he’s still grieving. And he was right. Kanda doesn’t know how it is to have no family. He always had a loving father, often too intrusive for his taste, always there for him, willing to give advice or lend money. Lavi never had parents, only the old man. Kanda’s family loves him, but it’s not the same. There is no home to go to in tough times, nobody to call when everybody else left, nobody, who’ll forever have his back.  
  
“You have me,” Kanda repeats into the heavy silence. Lavi lies on his side and looks up to him.  
  
“I know,” he whispers and his face twists in misery. “But I want to have him back, too.”  
  
“I know,” Kanda echoes and takes his hand. And then, “I’m sorry,” because he doesn’t know what to say. Lavi sits up and Kanda pulls him close.  
  
He has never been good with tears, but it got easier. The first time he saw Lavi cry, nearly six years ago after the death of his cat, it had scared him and taken all his might to not run away. Today it’s still scary, but mostly sorrowful. Kanda has a lump in his throat and would do absolutely everything to make him feel better, but the old man is gone and all that is left is an empty apartment and hundreds of books.  
  
Lavi leans against him, sight nearly unbearable, and Kanda keeps holding him, because that’s all he can do.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Lavi suddenly says and sits up. He’s half on Kanda’s lap, half on the bed. “I’m doing nothing but wailing and whining.”  
  
“The fuck?” Kanda says with a deep frown and pinches his cheek. “Don’t apologize, idiot. It’s fine. Cry as much as you want to. It’s okay,” he adds calmer and cups his cheeks. “Lavi, please.”  
  
Lavi blinks at him, before he slowly nods and presses Kanda’s shoulders. “Okay.”  
  
“Yeah?” Kanda pulls him completely on his lap and starts to rub his back.  
  
Lavi nods. “Yeah.” He wraps his arms around him and they stay like this for a while, until Lavi moves. “Yuu, I don’t know what I would do without you,” he says and cups Kanda’s cheek. Kanda swallows and has no words, because there’s so much love in Lavi’s face. And so he just nods and pulls him closer, tries to give as much back as possible, hides his face in the crook of Lavi’s neck. They stay like this for a while, until Lavi moves and his eye sets on the window. It’s already dark outside, the first day without rain since they arrived. “Do you think the stars are out?”  
  
“I think so. You wanna get some fresh air?” Kanda asks and Lavi nods. He looks tired, but he still climbs down and stretches.  
  
“It can’t hurt.”  
  
Kanda gets up and goes through their bags until he finds a flashlight and a thick blanket. Then he prepares some tea and they slip into several layers, jackets and shoes. He wraps two scarfs around Lavi, whose small smile is nearly hidden under soft wool, and finally they go outside. After walking every day at least twice to the beach Kanda finds the way easily, even in the dark. They walk hand in hand, the only source of light the moon, the stars and their tiny torchlight. It’s completely silent, aside from the soft rushing of the waves, today so much calmer than in the days before. The sea gets louder with every step until they finally reach the beach. Kanda spreads out the blanket and pulls Lavi down next to him. They share a cup of tea, enshrouded by soft darkness, before they lay down. Without the flashlight more and more stars are visible, twinkling dots scattered all over the dark blue sky.  
  
It’s cold, but tea and togetherness keep them reasonably warm. Lavi has his head on Kanda’s shoulder and together they listen to the waves and watch the stars. It’s romantic, even with the chilly air and Kanda’s pragmatic nature.  
  
A shooting star darts over the sky and Lavi says softly, “Oh. What’s your wish, Yuu?”  
  
“More tea,” he answers deadpan and his heart feels a lot less heavy when Lavi starts to laugh.  
  
“Are you cold?” he asks and his gloved hand rubs Kanda’s cold cheek.  
  
“I’m fine,” he replies and plays with a strand of hair poking out from under Lavi’s beanie.  
  
“Yuu?” Lavi asks after a while and Kanda turns his head to kiss his forehead. “I… I love you.” He props himself up on his elbow and examines Kanda. He can barely see him in the dark, but he doesn’t have to. The warmth in Lavi’s voice is enough. “So much.”  
  
“I love you, too,” Kanda replies and cups his cheek. He expects Lavi to lie back down, but he doesn’t. Instead he keeps looking at him and his warm breath caresses Kanda’s cheek. “Lavi?”  
  
“I want to stay with you forever.” He moves and then his naked hand touches Kanda’s cheek. His fingers are cold and Kanda lays his own hand on top of Lavi’s without even thinking about it.  
  
“La-”  
  
“Shh.” Lavi shushes him and his fingers touch Kanda’s lips. “Listen, okay?” His voice is less firm, not because of grief. It’s warmth and bloom and Kanda’s own throat starts to feel tight. He stays silent and his hand smooths over Lavi’s cheek and his shoulder.  
  
“I want to stay with you forever. I want to do the whole shebang with you. Graduate and start to work. Move into a nice house or even build one. With a pretty kitchen and big garden. And you can plant as much as you want to and I’ll help you and try not to step on anything. And we’ll get pets. Cats and dogs. And we’ll cook together and lie on the couch after a long work day. And we’ll have a room with a treadmill for you and another one with all of Gramps’ books. And we’ll also have an extra room for guests, because Marie and Miranda are gonna have children and we’ll babysit them sometimes. They’ll call you Uncle Yuu and me Uncle Lavi and I’m gonna love them so much. I want to get old with you. Grey hairs and wrinkles and creaking backs and everything. And sometimes we’ll argue and even shout, but you will always come home to me and I will always come home to you. Yuu,” he whispers and Kanda hears the tears and feels them under his fingers. It’s not grief. It’s being in love. “Yuu, I wanna do all this with you and someday we’ll be old and grey and I’ll still gonna love you so much, even after all those years.  _So much_.”  
  
He falls silent and Kanda has no words. His fingers dance over Lavi’s wet cheeks and suddenly the stars are blurry. Lavi kisses him or maybe Kanda does and he doesn’t know if it’s Lavi’s tears on his cheeks or his own. They kiss and kiss and Kanda turns until Lavi’s under him, kisses his cheeks, his wet lashes, his forehead, his cold nose. He kisses everything he can reach and Lavi laughs silently, because his neck is ticklish.  
  
Kanda has to say something, but his throat is tight and all he can get out are two tiny words.  
  
“Me too.”  
  
He doesn’t even has time to be mortified of the weak sound of his own voice, because Lavi kisses him ardently, laughing and crying at the same time. He embraces Kanda, rubs his back, ruffles his ponytail, still laughing and cheeks wet. “I love you so much.”  
  
“I love you, too.” Kanda’s voice is back, not as brittle as before but also not as firm as usual. “Forever,” he adds and is thankful for the darkness, because if his expression even remotely looks like he feels he doesn’t want to know it. Lavi cups his cheeks and kisses him once more. Kanda kisses back immediately, noticing how cold Lavi’s hands and face are.  
  
“Are you cold? Wanna go back?” he asks and sits up. He starts to rub his cold fingers, but Lavi pulls them away to embrace him. Kanda pulls him close, hiding his face in red hair and wool and breathing in the scent of tea and soap. Then he gets up, pulls Lavi with him and picks him up. He laughs heart-warmingly and Kanda would carry him all the way to the vacation home, wouldn’t they probably break their necks in the darkness. He moves until Lavi’s feet are back on the ground and only then he lets go. They have to search for the flashlight, hands full of sand and bumping against each other, until Lavi finally finds it and promptly dazzles both of them.  
  
“Now I don’t see shit,” Kanda says and doesn’t even try to sound annoyed, because he’s not. He’s giddy and at least the stars aren’t blurry anymore. Lavi examines him, cheeks very red and eye teary, and reaches out to touch his face.  
  
“Yuu, you’re blushy.”  
  
“No, I’m not.” Kanda disagrees on principle and Lavi laughs. They pick up the blanket and thermos bottle and then they’ll go back, following the jumping light of the flashlight, touching each other all the way. Fingers in hair, hands on backs, lips on wrists.  
  
They way back feels much shorter and they nearly walk past the house, until Lavi notices and takes his hand to lead him back. Kanda has barely closed the door behind them, when Lavi is already all over him. He wraps his arms around Kanda, curls his hands into his shoulders, kisses his cheeks, forehead, lips. They shed their jackets and shoes and together they climb under the blanket. It’s not that late, but both of them don’t mind. They warm up together and it’s soft and innocent. Kanda bathes in two kinds of warmth and finally he draws back to examine Lavi.  
  
_Forever_.  
  
His eyes jump over Lavi’s face, so much livelier than in the last days. “How long are we together?” he asks. Not because he forgot, but because of Lavi’s ridiculously great memory.  
  
“Seven years, two months and eleven days,” he answers quick like a shot and bumps their noses together. His cold hands pull the tie out of Kanda’s hair and start to play with the dark strands. They lock eyes and after a few seconds Lavi raises his eyebrows with a questioning smile. Kanda was always great at hiding everything behind his stern face. Emotions, hopes, fears. But obviously not today, because Lavi examines him wide-eyed, wondering why he looks so serious all of a sudden. “What’s wrong? Are-”  
  
Now it’s Kanda’s turn to shush him. Lavi falls silent and the hand in Kanda’s hair starts to caress his neck. Kanda stares at him, thoughts darting through his head, hesitating. He thought about this, he did. A few months now.  
  
“The whole shebang?” he asks and Lavi nods without skipping a beat.  
  
“Yeah,” he breathes and nothing more. Instead he waits, hands not growing tired of touching his hair and face.  
  
Kanda inhales slowly. This isn’t something one should do spontaneous, but is it really spontaneous if he already thought about it, long and thoroughly?  
  
“You wanna marry?”  
  
And it’s out. The question swirls around and in between them, until it finally hits Lavi, whose eye gets even wider, so very green. He blinks slowly, all of a sudden speechless, and Kanda would snort, if he wasn’t waiting.  
  
“What?” Lavi props himself up on his elbow. “I- _what_?”  
  
“You wanna marry?” Kanda repeats and is surprised how calm his voice sounds. “The whole shebang.” He cups Lavi’s cheek. The question seems to sink in, because a mix of emotions darts over Lavi’s face.  
  
“Are you… are you sure?” He asks slowly and love spreads out on his face. The way he looks at Kanda is the answer he’s waiting for. It’s in the softness in his eye, his trembling fingers, the tender smile. A load of the weight of the moon is taken of Kanda’s mind and he nods and Lavi starts to laugh.  
  
“Yeah, I am.”  
  
“Okay,” Lavi says breathily and keeps laughing. “Holy shit.” He traces Kanda’s cheekbone with his thumb, all of a sudden giddy. “We’re gonna marry. Holy shit,” he repeats and Kanda snorts, as surprised as him.  
  
“Okay.” He pulls him closer and cradles the back of his head. “I don’t have a ring or anything.”  
  
“I don’t need a ring,” Lavi replies quickly and cups his cheek. “Oh my god, Yuu.” A doubt darts through Kanda’s head, appearing out of nowhere, and obvious, because Lavi’s smile fades away. “What’s wrong?”  
  
“You wanna think about it beforehand?” Kanda sits up and Lavi does, too. “I mean, the old man just died and you’re still really affected.”  
  
“Yuu,” Lavi interrupts him and climbs on his lap, one leg on each of Kanda’s sides. “It’s not like I never thought about it.  _Seven_  years,” he adds and kisses him. “And I wanna do the whole shebang with you. Buy a house, marry, have nieces and nephews.” He smiles at Kanda, who blinks.  
  
“Okay,” Kanda answers and stares at him, until finally sinks in. “Holy shit.” Lavi laughs and Kanda does, too. They lie back down, suddenly engaged – _engaged_!- and it’s giggly and soft, until Lavi has to cry, because the old man will be missing. It’s teary, but still soft and later they try to sleep, but both of them are too wired. They stay in bed, kissing and whispering, and it’s already early in the morning until Lavi finally falls asleep.  
  
Kanda doesn’t and just listens to his soft breathing, hiding his face in his hair, breathing in the scent of shampoo.  
  
And home.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading.  
> It was fun to write a calmer and more mature Kanda. He's probably kinda ooc, but it's okay.  
> This was my last post for the Laviyuu Week and I want to thank you all so much! The week was amazing and so much fun.
> 
> See you hopefully soon :)


End file.
